


I'm not sorry (and neither is he)

by MMXIII



Series: Brooklyn Boys [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: The First Avenger, Domestic Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sister - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-12 08:31:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2102604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMXIII/pseuds/MMXIII
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky wakes up slowly.</p><p>Takes a long breath in.</p><p>Smiles without opening his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He can feel Steve against him, tucked under his left arm and pressed back into his chest, small enough that Steve's toes only go as far as his shins.</p><p>Steve's hand lies slack against Bucky’s, fingers just touching, feather-soft. He’s still fast asleep, shallow chest rising in soft even huffs. Bucky noses the damp skin at the base of his neck, presses a slow smile in between Steve’s shoulder blades, sharp under Bucky’s borrowed undershirt.</p><p>Steve sighs in his sleep like there's no where else he'd rather be.</p><p>Bucky loves him so bad it aches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not sorry (and neither is he)

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any mistakes, I'll fix 'em later ^^

 

Bucky wakes up slowly.

Takes a long breath in.

Smiles without opening his eyes.

 

He can feel Steve against him, tucked under his left arm and pressed back into his chest, small enough that Steve's toes only go as far as his shins.

Steve's hand lies slack against Bucky’s, fingers just touching, feather-soft. He’s still fast asleep, shallow chest rising in soft even huffs. Bucky noses the damp skin at the base of his neck, presses a slow smile in between Steve’s shoulder blades, sharp under Bucky’s borrowed undershirt.

Steve sighs in his sleep like there's no where else he'd rather be.

Bucky loves him so bad it _aches_.

He pulls back frowning as somebody knocks on their front door and groans realizing that Rebecca said she’d drop by.

Doesn’t seem right to wake Steve, still curled into himself, back arched towards the warmth of Bucky’s chest, so Bucky slides his arm back and presses a brief kiss to the delicate line of Steve’s slack jaw before sitting up slowly and pulling on a shirt. He grabs his pillow and the blanket that’s fallen down the side of the bed and makes for the front room, closing the bedroom door behind him quietly.

As he passes the couch he dumps the pillow and blanket, making it look like he’s slept there.

 

When he opens the front door Becky beams at him and kisses him on the cheek. She looks a lot like him, dark hair, warm eyes, broad smile. Her and Steve always got on like a whole damn block on fire; Bucky loves her to death.

 

‘ _Bucky!’_ she laughs, reaching over to do up two buttons on his shirt, ‘what a mess’.

 ‘Gotta be quiet’ Bucky grins, inclining his head towards the bedroom door as she steps into the apartment.

‘what’s he doin’ in bed at this hour?’ she says smiling, ‘whole city’s up’

‘he’s been tired is all’ Bucky shrugs, _tired being Steve from Ohio and god knows where else_ , ‘how you been?’

‘Alright’, she smiles, ‘you?’

‘We’re getting by, how’s ma?’

‘Missing you’

Bucky frowns, ‘I’ll come by soon’

‘ _Before_ you leave’ she says pointedly, folding her arms.

‘Yeah’

Becky shoots him a look that's only ever traded between siblings before her eyes drift to a pile of papers on the table, ‘4F huh?’

 

‘Can’t talk him out of it’ Bucky sighs, shaking his head, ‘he’s gonna get made for lying on the forms. Different city every damn week’

‘Or worse’ Becky says, sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs, ‘they’ll actually take him’

Bucky gives her a long look and folds his arms, ‘I don’t know what else to say to him’

‘I’ll talk to him’

‘He’s stubborn as hell-’

‘So are you’

‘yeah, alright' he smiles, 'easy'

 

‘You still going next week?’

‘Yes Maam, Sergeant James Barnes shipping off for England first thing Thursday morning’ he says, giving her a sleepy salute.

‘Maybe I’ll miss you’ she says, smiling mischievously.

‘Maybe you will’ he laughs.

‘Say, they sure they want you?’

‘What’re you tryin’ to say?’ Bucky grins

‘I’m sayin’ you better get a haircut first’

Bucky rubs a hand over the back of his neck

‘Steve’s doing it later’

‘God knows what he’s doing hanging around with you. Did he like Janie?’

‘Nah, he went off early before we went dancing.’

‘You still went’

‘I _like_ dancing’

‘ _Sunuvagun’_ she sighs in mock exasperation, 'talk of the town, you are'

Bucky pulls a face before sliding into the chair opposite.

‘Oh, Steve finished that drawing for you’

Bucky leans over the table to grab a thin sketchbook and hands it across.

‘gee he’s good huh’ Becky says, admiring a portrait of a small boy.

‘Yeah’

‘Shame about art school’

‘I told him we could do it. Save up, double shifts. Said he wouldn’t take the money for it’

They sit in companionable silence as Becky slides her fingers under the pages of Steve’s little book full of street corners, portraits, candids. After a while, Bucky gets up and starts rooting around in an overhead cupboard.

He doesn't see Becky lingering on a strangely intimate sketch of him sleeping. Doesn't see her frown faintly at the back of his head as if she wants to say something but doesn't know how. Bucky places three cups on the work top and turns to her just as another sound catches his attention. 

 

 

_‘Bucky-’_

They both turn towards the bedroom door at the sound of Steve’s voice. Bucky smiles to himself, remembering the feel of Steve curled up and warm under soft cotton.

‘-I was kinda hoping’ Steve mumbles as he steps into the kitchen, arm raised to stifle a yawn, ‘that you were coming back to bed…’

 

 

Cold panic shoots down Bucky’s spine as Steve lowers his arm, sees Becky, and freezes.

Steve can feel his ears burning as the colour rises in his face.

Bucky looks nothing short of horrified.

 

For a moment Becky just stares at Steve - Steve who’s got Bucky’s undershirt hanging off his shoulders.

‘Becky, listen-’ Bucky starts, but she cuts him off.

‘You been sleeping… in there…’ she says quietly, staring straight ahead.

He folds his arms and leans back against the worktop, meeting Steve’s eyes for a moment before looking away.

 

_This is it. This is the moment everything goes to hell._

 

‘Yeah I been sleeping in there’

‘…with him?’ Becky murmurs, dazed.

Bucky swallows thickly.

‘With Steve’ he confirms

When she turns to look back at Bucky she looks scared.

‘Becky…’ Steve murmurs and she winces. She’s known Steve almost as long as Bucky has and for a second Bucky thinks she’s gonna cry, but she doesn’t, of course she doesn’t.

‘What the _hell_ are you doing?’ she whispers, hands shaking where they’re held together in her lap.

‘It’s Sunday’ Bucky says defiantly, ‘A man can do what he likes on a Sunday’

 _‘Well you sure as hell weren’t at church’_ she says, louder.

 

‘Getting dressed’ Steve mumbles in Bucky’s direction after five long seconds of silence. Bucky nods.

 ‘Listen here’ he starts again as Steve slips away, keeping his voice lower than the soft _click_ of the door,

 

_I’m not sorry, and neither is he’_

 

‘You got _no idea_ what he’s sorry for’ she murmurs fiercely.

 

Bucky sighs heavily, he can hear the blood pounding inside his ears.

‘What you gonna do?’ he says, voice barely audible, knuckles white, ‘you gonna tell ma?’

‘That her only son’s…’ she makes a dismissive gesture with her hand, ‘ _Jesus, Buck’_

Bucky can vaguely make out the sound of yelling somewhere outside, couple a doors slamming, somebody whistling. He feels a bit like he's half somewhere else as he places three cups of coffee on the table before sitting down again.

‘It’s not like that’, he says

‘What do you _mean_ it’s not like that?’

‘I just-…it’s just him, Becky’ he says quietly, willing her to understand, ‘nobody else’.

_Always has been. Always will be._

'you gotta see it like it is, Becky, there's nothing you can say. I like comin’ home to him’ he says fiercely, ‘and makin’ sure he’s alright. I like sleeping next to him’ he says, as if daring her to flinch.

She doesn’t.

‘I think…’ she says, voice trembling, ‘I think maybe I always knew…’

‘Yeah?’ Bucky says, realizing he’s shaking a little too. He looks up to see Becky smiling at him and feels his throat tighten.

‘Yeah’. She smiles tentatively and reaches across the table to put her hand on his arm. It makes Bucky’s eyes sting.

 

With her smile, her fingers stroking his arm, Bucky feels years of anxiety slide right off his shoulders.

 

‘ _I don’t wanna leave him, Becky’_ he breathes, ‘ _I don’t wanna leave him but I gotta go’_

‘ _Oh, Bucky_ …’

 

She reaches over and lays her palm against the side of his face.

She makes a soft noise in her throat as tears start sliding down his cheek.

‘I gotta be near him’ Bucky breathes wetly, ‘gotta make sure he’s… he’s…’

‘I know’ Becky soothes, ‘I know’.

She remembers them as boys, one a head taller than the other, always trailing after each other, laughing, Bucky with a broad grin, Steve a shy smile.

Bucky shakes his head ‘always afraid somebody’ll see’ he murmurs, ‘or just know, from looking at us. Tell us we’re- that we…’

 

There’s a crack as Bucky’s open palm hits the table top in frustration.

 

‘This space is all we got that’s private’

‘I’m sorry’ she whispers, pressing her forehead against his like they’re seven years old again, trading secrets, ‘you better come back, Bucky Barnes, you hear me. You better come back’

‘ _God’_ Bucky groans miserably. Becky holds his head against her shoulder, rubbing her hand between his shoulder blades.

‘I can look in on him’ she says, pulling back and smoothing away the wetness under his eye with her thumb.

‘He won’t like that at all’ Bucky murmurs, pressing the heel of his hand to his eyes, ‘he’ll tell you he doesn’t need it’

‘Maybe I’ll say it’s for you not for him’.

 

Bucky closes his eyes. _Breathes._

 

He doesn’t look up as Steve re-emerges doing up the last few buttons on his shirt. Becky turns towards him, hand still soothing the nape of Bucky’s neck.

‘Steve, I’m sorry I- I didn’t mean- I got no right. Just surprised is all…’

‘S’alright’ Steve says softly, inclining his head.

He walks over to Bucky who’s got his head in his hands. Becky sits back as Steve approaches Bucky almost deferentially, the shadow of a smile hiding in the corner of his mouth.

‘Mornin’, Bucky mumbles quietly, not looking up.

‘Hey’ Steve says, pushing his fingers into Bucky’s hair, ‘what’s gotten into you’. Bucky leans into him and wipes the back of his hand over his eyes.

‘Can’t be cryin’ in front of a lady, Buck’ Steve murmurs

Bucky breathes out shakily. ‘I don’t see a lady’

Becky hiccups a laugh as Steve swats the side of Bucky’s head lightly.

‘Shut up, you’ she smiles, eyes shining wetly.

Steve smoothes the hair back from Bucky’s forehead, ‘nah, he’s alright’.

‘I’ve gotta drop by Mrs Johansson down 4th’ Becky says quietly, standing up.

‘alright’, Steve murmurs, with Bucky gathered up against him, ‘come back later for lunch’, he says. She nods shyly, wipes her eyes, heads for the door.

When she looks back at them before opening the door they’re holding each other close, Bucky with his forehead resting into Steve’s chest, Steve pressing his mouth against the crown of Bucky’s head.

 

She realizes that Steve doesn’t look _small_ standing next to Bucky, he looks proud.

She realizes, as Bucky’s hands reach for Steve’s waist, fingers curling in the material of Steve’s shirt, that Bucky needs him, loves him.

She realizes she adores them both, that she’ll ache for them both all the time they’re apart.

She leaves feeling lighter, in some indescribable way.

 

After she’s slipped away, Steve pulls Bucky’s head back gently and kisses the corner of his mouth.

‘Coulda told me your sister was comin’ round, you idiot’ Steve murmurs into the side of Bucky’s head

‘I forgot’ Bucky grins softly

‘Bucky Barnes’ Steve groans, smiling into Bucky’s hair, ‘ _sunuvagun_ ’.

 

 

 


End file.
